January 2010
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Crouching Tiger, Pooping Monkey

This cute little 7 month old monkey was tied up to a tree at my cousin’s house.  Yes, I know it’s cruel to tie up a monkey…but it really isn’t my place to tell people in another country how to treat their pets.  Anyways, the monkey lives with a bunch of other animals on a couple of acres in Vung Tau.  He plays with 3 big dogs which he seems to be completely unafraid of;  his best friend is a little black pig who eats and sleeps with him.

One of my fondest memories growing up  was going to go see kung fu movies with my family at the Aztec Theatre in downtown San Antonio.  This was the early 80s and the Aztec would often show double features of horror movies and kung fu movies.  It’s was really amazing to be able to see all those classic Shaw Brothers, and horror movies like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “The Hills Have Eyes” on the big screen.

One of the all time best kung fu movies I saw there (and still a classic) was called “Snake Fist vs The Dragon” aka “Snake in the Monkey’s Shadow”.  The movie starts off with Monkey Style kung fu master being challenged by a evil Snake Style master.  The fight scenes in the movie are awesome…and the kung fu masters fight and moved just like their animal counterparts.  The Monkey Master jumps from tree to tree….then rolls around on the ground countering the quick strikes and slithering motions of the Snake Master.  The kung fu masters learned their styles from observing the motions of the respective animals their kung fu styles are based on.

You can find the DVD in the United States….however there is an amazing scene (albeit very non PC) that was cut out from the American DVD; the German DVD release has the full scene intact.  In this scene the director places a cobra next to a tied up monkey…forcing them to fight.  The hero in the movie observes the fight and learns how to defeat the Snake Master(s) this way:

Anyways…I figured that since I was in the presence of a natural kung fu expert…I would try to take a few free lessons.  However, the little guy only wanted to show me his butt.  I picked him up and asked him politely to be my Sifu (teacher)….but all he did was eject a little bit of poo from his butt.  So I put him down and everytime I approached he would just point his butt at my direction.  The German Shepherd came over and licked the poop right out of the monkey’s butt.  Blehhh!!

In retrospect though….maybe if I am being attacked, instead of trying some fancy kung fu moves that would probably just get me beaten up more badly….I should just pull down my pants and eject a bit of poo from my behind.  I would seem so crazy that the assailant would probably just take off.  Now if only I could teach myself to poo at will.

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